Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Grammar Quotes and Jokes

Below are some of my favorite quotes and jokes about grammar. Who knew grammar could be so entertaining?

Feel free to add to this list by leaving a comment. I will update this post regularly. Make sure you come back often! For quotes about writing, please visit this post.

Grammar Quotes

“The past is always tense, the future perfect.” ~ Zadie Smith

“A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the other one.” ~ Baltasar Graci├ín

“If you can spell "Nietzsche" without Google, you deserve a cookie.” ~ Lauren Leto

“This is the sort of bloody nonsense up with which I will not put.” (regarding the rule against ending a sentence with a preposition) ~ Winston Churchill

“I love you. You are the object of my affection and the object of my sentence.” ~ Mignon Fogarty (Grammar Girl)

"Nostalgia is like a grammar lesson:  you find the present tense, but the past perfect!"  ~ Owens Lee Pomeroy

"Only in grammar can you be more than perfect."  ~ William Safire

"When comforting a grammarian, always say, 'There, their, they’re.'" ~ Unknown

Grammar Jokes

The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.

A synoynm ambles into a pub.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A boy answers the phone. The caller asks, "Where are your parents?"
"They ain't here!"
"Come on, son. Where's your grammar?"
"My gramma ain't here neither. She's gone to church!"

A pregnant woman went into labor and began to yell, "Couldn't! Wouldn't! Shouldn't! Didn't! Can't!" She was having contractions.

Teacher: Can someone give me a sentence starting with "I"?
Student: I is
Teacher: No. Always say, "I am."
Student: All right, if you say so. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

It's Not Punny!

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

Broken pencils are pointless.

They told me I had a Type A blood, but it was a Type O.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

PMS jokes aren't funny. Period.

Some people don't like food going to waist.

Never lie to an x-ray technician. They can see right through you.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

 There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said, "Keep Off the Grass."

A rule of grammar: double negatives are a no-no.

A prisoner's favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence.

My new theory on inertia doesn't seem to be gaining momentum.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

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